Wednesday, April 20, 2011

What Was I thinking Again?

It is funny how writers block happens. I am so excited to write something all day. I live it and breathe it. I talk about it to myself all day and then I go crazy because I need to write it down and I cannot because I am at work and focused on the task at hand. So many thoughts build up endlessly over and over and layers upon layers of ideas. I mull over which idea I will write first. I get more excited and anxiety sets in because I wonder if people will get what I write. All of the sudden I think of all the criticism I might face and then I cry because my freaking head hurts. So I start making myself feel better and encourage myself in the mirror all while I find the time to see my image in the mirror and think of all these horrible outcomes to someone reading what I write. I could be creating my thoughts for everyone to read. And then when I finally get or make time to write after I am in my room or calmed down…I forget it all. So I start the whole process over again. This time because I cannot remember all the wonderful things I had to say in the first place. Wonderful encouraging words that can make a difference in artists lives. Words that can be healing to a creator and maybe that one person that has not created in such a long time that he or she just needed the right word to help them just get in front of their creative tool and give of their soul to the world. In the end of all of this process I just sit and write what I feel like if I am talking to someone. Someone special that needs my advice. I write like I am having a conversation with people I meet every day that have a problem or a concern about something that I can relate to and I have an opinion about it. Whether or not they can relate to my opinion is not my problem but theirs. Writing is just another expression and an art itself. I paint and create my works of art on my metal and whether or not if someone can relate to it or not I will continue to create it as long as God allows me to breathe and stay alive with enough strength to create. I will write in the same way and give of my soul translating that passion in my writings. I love people. All people even the assholes I meet. They are beautiful souls. They are just lost. Once you penetrate those exteriors and get past the shit they will open up and be so interesting. Sometimes we complain that people do not give us a chance to talk to them. But…do we give them a chance? Can we honestly say we eliminated all the excuse they can throw at us to justify the way they act towards us? Do we include them in our conversations? Are we genuine and loving when we are around them? Do we greet them even though they do not reciprocate? Do we think “I am not kissing their ass” so I will just ignore them kind of attitude? Do we call ourselves loving honest Christian folk only when it is comfortable? Do we say we are righteous when it does not hurt? Are we good moral people only when people are able to hear and see us but in private with our loved ones what is the truth? LOL how funny. All this shit goes on in my head and I grind my teeth because I love people so much. I am so empathetic towards people it affects my health. I have people that I really love that say hurtful things to me and I listen to them put me down how I am this way or that way and yet they have not looked in the mirror and explore the possibility that the reason I am the way I am is because they have created that situation in their own heads. Of by the way…I AM a piece of shit. I know I am. I do not hide from that truth. So don’t call me a hypocrite. BUT. I love you. Each and every one of you idiots. If I can touch your heart with my writing and paintings then I will be happy the rest of my life. Don’t even tell me about it. It doesn’t matter whether I know or not. We are all connected and in one way or another through an indirect way we will affect change in each other’s life directly or indirectly. So what is your excuse today? Why didn’t you create? LOL

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