Monday, July 21, 2014


Today is my last day on earth as a walking breathing human being. Have I done enough? Did I fulfill all the expectations. Did I live up to all the standards? Was I kind enough to my fellow human beings around me? Was I a good person in general. If I was a part of a religion, did I do all the right things to receive a reward of a first class ticket to heaven?

When I finally close my eyes tonight I will dream for the last time. Will I dream? Or will I wake up on the other side into another reality. I am a little confused. My last day is today. My last few moments here on earth. I am very sleepy. I am exhausted. When I close my eyes I will not wake up back into the current reality I am experiencing. How intimidating is that. I am going to sleep for the last time tonight. I am trying to reflect back on everything I have done and I cannot remember a damn thing. As I am typing I am becoming more desperate. Shouldn't I be appreciating all of the love I have received. Should I be thankful for all of the love I was able to share? Or did I not share enough where I can be resting easy that it was sufficient?

I want to relax for my last breath. I need to be happy. I should be at ease. I have spoken to many people about control. The one thing we can control is our mind and how we perceive our experience. I have mentored all sorts of beautiful individuals on how our mind is very powerful and we can heal ourselves of fear. I am scared. Right now I am terrified of falling asleep. Fear is consuming me. I will not survive the night. I will be dead physically. I cannot run. I cannot be consoled and hugged back into happiness. I am all alone. I am dying. My life is leaving me. My energy is dissipating. Have I done enough? Whether I have or not why am I worrying. My time is up. It is over. Everyone around me is asleep. No one knows I am dying. No one can help.

Where do I turn? How can I deal with this ultimate end? Why am I feeling guilty? I am trying to weigh the bad and the good. Does my experience hold enough of the positive? If I was lucky enough to wake in the morning can I do something that is special enough to clear my history and ensure that my legacy is honorable? Is my legacy now enough experience to leave in the hands of my children and they could be proud? Is it that important? Does it matter? DO they care? Is the body of my life enough? I cannot breathe. My time is near. I am so worried. Are my loved ones taken care of?

Should I just give up? Let it go? My life is slipping from my control. I never had control. My body mind and spirit are riddled with fear of the unknown. Where is the light. I don't see shit. All I see is the red in my vision the redness of fear! Where am I going? Is the where nothingness and darkness. When I shut down I will not exist? Will I just not be aware of anything any longer? If we dream now is it physical because our heart is pumping and conscious brain is active? If when we die and everything is off and the blood stops pumping is it just nothing? No awareness whatsoever. I cannot even begin to articulate the difficulty to explain what I am trying to comprehend. IF nothing is nothing after our last breath, and we are worrying about the little things that we cannot control in our lives, then our lives are precious. What we have is the moment. And the current moment is precious. We are holding a moment that is rare, Our moment is fading, As time passes behind us we cannot ask for it back.

My eyes closed right now. It felt like I blinked. I remember looking at the clock and it is 25 minutes later. Where was I? This is scaring me. Why am I scared? Is my body trying to tell me something? I need more time? I'm not ready? This is all there is? Don't go to sleep!

I'm going to sleep. I will wake up tomorrow. I will try again. I am thankful I was here. My children know who I was to them and their children. My family is proud of my legacy of love. My joy is in everyone that I touched. I have given the gift of laughter joy and love to many. I have done enough. I am happy. If I wake tomorrow and am given another opportunity, I will began where I left off. Continuing my legacy and teaching others how to love and feel joy from sunrise to sunset.