Thursday, July 22, 2010

Creative Loss Found

I have not painted very much lately if not at all. It is a crime for me because of the commitment I made for myself. Creating for me is like breathing. I have to be thinking of something all the time. Lately I have been absorbed by life. Contemplating so many things. Ideas are always fluttering overhead and yet I see them as so far away I cannot make sense of them. Like impaired vision. I have not found the right prescription for my sight to see this wonderful inspirational idea. I do not know if I am making sense. All I know is I have not been very motivated. I have spoken to others about this and they all say the same thing. Just paint you big sissy!

My heart has been bleeding lately. I do not know what it is. I still cannot look in the mirror and love that person looking back. If I did life would be more tolerable. It is like I am waiting in line for something to happen. In essence I guess we are all just waiting in line for the inevitable. When is my number up? We ask that everyday. I do not want to ask that anymore. I just want to feel happy. I want to live. I walk a very delicate trail. So many doors to choose from. So many distractions. We decide to head one way and then we get wishy washy and head a different way. It is so frustrating. I want to create and make my life of it. Yet I have to survive and pay bills. LOL. That is so funny. A distraction from my passion. I spent a wonderful year creating without worrying about paying the bills and now I have to go back to work. I failed at making my art work sustain me. I am a success at meeting and creating new friendships that will last a lifetime. Friendships in this wonderful art community. At least that is my positive from this experience. I can truly say with out a doubt I can call my fellow artists and art lovers friends. They have always supported me and my work. So many people I have met through events and shows, facebook and forums. I have met people from all walks of life. I am an artist.

Our lives shape who we are as an artist. I guess that is the answer to my dilemma. My muse is my life. My inspiration is my experience. I have not been able to create because I have been looking for substance in my work. I want to create and build a body of work that personifies who I am and my soul to be cleansed. I make a lot of pop art looking stuff. I create things that are pleasing to the eye. I need to create what is me. Who I am. Where I have been emotionally, spiritually and my essence needs to be captured. I have been so worried about everything else and not been paying attention to what I write here. I look within and I have the answer.  We all have the answer within. We are a child of who created us. He created us in his image. We are his spirit. We are just like our creator. We have the power to change our environment. We have the gift to ask for what we need. That is a wonderful thing.

I know I had a lot of readers that enjoyed my writings and since I have been a little confused...more than usual...I have lost some readers. We are all human. I hope I can connect with someone out there and we can all learn from each others experiences. We are also in a capacity to help each other heal and heal ourselves with love. Not criticisms...but love.