Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Ok I admit it!
I stuck a broom handle through 3 pieces of my art work over the weekend. I do not know why I let my neurotic-ism get to me. It was like watching a movie. I had full awareness I was doing it and yet I still put a hole through my artwork. I get all wired up and I am so passionate about my paintings, and I found it so easy to destroy them. Looking back I was in a trance punishing myself. Punishing myself for feeling so inadequate and for having low self-esteem. I was torturing myself with the belief that I was not good enough to create beautiful works of art.
I started to believe my own lies and deceptive thoughts. In my self-realization I started to get angry at myself. I want to say my soul was teaching me a lesson by allowing me to destroy my artwork, to show me how I would feel without the beauty I created. It was depressing. As life can be taken away so can our gifts and talents. Our sight, our capacity to create, our abilities and gifts that are a treasure to us from our creator. If I mistreat my gift I could lose it just like that.
I was aware that I was destroying my works but it was like I was on autopilot and did not have control. But in reality I could have controlled it. There was a point in my rant that I had clarity. I had enough clarity to stop myself and have some common sense. At that moment of clarity I felt sorry for myself and felt like I was long gone and no return. I was a piece of shit and did not deserve my works any longer. The moment I destroyed my works I woke up and realized the damage that I have caused. I had ended a life. I have disrespected my works that were created for someone. I have silenced my inner creative voice.
I learned immediately that I should have stopped myself. I should have humbled myself that moment to appreciate that I have been given a gift to create and I am able to create where-as there are so many other people in this world that wish they could have the courage to express themselves. I need to calm down and see…. See the beauty of all of our gifts.
I love myself, I love my gifts. I appreciate who I am and always think of my works as an extension of my soul. I know we all have a voice. Sometimes we have it in us to learn from experiences. Our soul needs to be allowed to teach us lessons that will make us a better person. To allow us to be humbled for the bigger and larger picture.
I hope I have given you something to think about in your own journey. I battle with my thoughts on a daily basis, I fight the lies and deceptions from years of experience and environmental influence. I know that my art work is off limits and I will have to fight to the end to avoid disrespecting my work. I would never hurt my children then my art work should be sacred as well.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
I find myself afraid of my creative soul sometimes. It wants to do what I am afraid of trying. I talk to my soul to find out what direction to go in and it points towards the unexpected. The dreams and vision my soul has for my art is too high and the person my soul sees as fulfilling this dream cannot be me! I question myself. I am unsure if my ability to measure up to my soul. I ignore it. I continue being subpar. I continue to just get by. My soul is angry and it feels trapped in a cage. I get sick because of the turmoil inside of me. My moods are not normal because I cannot tap into the wisdom of God that is in my spirit. I try and figure it out with my conscious efforts knowing that the truth is inside of me. In order to listen to my soul I have to be brave. My soul is fearless. It wants to fly without wings. It wants to walk on water. It wants to walk through fire. It wants to punch Mike Tyson in the face. My soul is instinctively courageous. My soul wants to create the unimaginable.
Everyday I contemplate what my life would be like if I just listen and follow instructions. My passion resides in my soul. My soul intimidates me. My soul is powerful and fearless. I am more afraid to not listen and at the end of my journey I will spend the last few moments in regret.
Oh my soul direct my path... I Love You and Trust You.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
I hate Art shows. I went to the LA Art Show this past weekend and I ALMOST validated the reason why I hate the large art shows. It was at the Los Angeles Convention Center. The reason I disliked the art shows is because of the art I want to see and never seem to find. I have always loved cubism, impressionistic works and lately I have been finding modern artists whenever I go to a large event. I love local artists because they are not bitten by the commercialization of art. I believe that some galleries feed into the trending art. Of course they would in order to make sales.
I understand that art is subjective and the perception of the viewer. I might like something that I enjoy looking at and the next person might not appreciate the same as me. I get it. So with that said…. The majority of the stuff I found I did not like. But like I explained that is my perception and I am entitled to my opinion. I love cubism. I walked around the event looking for cubist artists for an hour and did not find any artists that would wow me. I did not go to the event as an artist. I went as an art lover. I wanted to be wow’d. I was getting ready to give up and leave the event disappointed that I did not find the art I am so passionate about. I did see some amazing work and I loved it. But I wanted to see works that move me. I finally found an artist that did just that.
Yuroz is an amazing cubist artist. I was WOW’d. the event was almost closing its doors and I wanted to stand there and look at his art for hours. He had amazing pieces and I felt like I connected with all of them. To me this is the present day Picasso. But then again what do I know., I am just a self taught artist I did not study nor did I follow art. I enjoy creating art for people to enjoy and be inspired. The emotion I felt was amazing. I had chills going through my soul. I felt alive. I was in a state of euphoria. I felt like I was high on drugs!
All of the emotions I felt when I was looking at this amazing art that I connected with, I felt…. I want to create art that peolle connect in that way. I want to make people feel that way about my art. I want to create art that I am passionate about that way it comes through in my work. I am finally creating works that I love and I feel that my soul is truly enjoying expressing. In the past I felt I had to compromise myself in order to get noticed by creating works that did not truly reflect who I am. Yuroz captivated me like I want to captivate others. If I have a handful of people that love my works in that way I will be happy with that.
I think as artists that is what we should all strive for. The enjoyment of bringing appreciation and love for the Arts. I truly know my calling as an artist. I have been self taught because I was stubborn. I did not want to go to school and learn someone elses ideals. But wehat I did not realize is that by educating myself I could have learned more to help myself grow in ways that I could not have taught myself. Maybe…maybe not. I do not regret not educating through the formal aspect… In retrospect I might have benefited from Art History in the genre I was interested in. If I were to do it all over again… the only thing I would do differently is paint more and frequent.
If you are an artist paint. Paint often. Go see other works live. Go participate in the events. See the works up close and personal. Study the textures. The brushstrokes. The clarity of colors. See the grain of the canvas and how the paint is applied. Look at the grandeur of the pieces. See the detail and appreciate it as an artist first and see the piece as if you are not an artist. Feel the emotion that the art gives you. Fall in love with creating over and over again!