Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Calm Down to Create

Ok I admit it!
I stuck a broom handle through 3 pieces of my art work over the weekend. I do not know why I let my neurotic-ism get to me. It was like watching a movie. I had full awareness I was doing it and yet I still put a hole through my artwork. I get all wired up and I am so passionate about my paintings, and I found it so easy to destroy them. Looking back I was in a trance punishing myself. Punishing myself for feeling so inadequate and for having low self-esteem. I was torturing myself with the belief that I was not good enough to create beautiful works of art.

I started to believe my own lies and deceptive thoughts. In my self-realization I started to get angry at myself. I want to say my soul was teaching me a lesson by allowing me to destroy my artwork, to show me how I would feel without the beauty I created. It was depressing. As life can be taken away so can our gifts and talents. Our sight, our capacity to create, our abilities and gifts that are a treasure to us from our creator. If I mistreat my gift I could lose it just like that.

I was aware that I was destroying my works but it was like I was on autopilot and did not have control. But in reality I could have controlled it. There was a point in my rant that I had clarity. I had enough clarity to stop myself and have some common sense. At that moment of clarity I felt sorry for myself and felt like I was long gone and no return. I was a piece of shit and did not deserve my works any longer. The moment I destroyed my works I woke up and realized the damage that I have caused. I had ended a life. I have disrespected my works that were created for someone. I have silenced my inner creative voice.

I learned immediately that I should have stopped myself. I should have humbled myself that moment to appreciate that I have been given a gift to create and I am able to create where-as there are so many other people in this world that wish they could have the courage to express themselves. I need to calm down and see…. See the beauty of all of our gifts.

I love myself, I love my gifts. I appreciate who I am and always think of my works as an extension of my soul. I know we all have a voice. Sometimes we have it in us to learn from experiences. Our soul needs to be allowed to teach us lessons that will make us a better person. To allow us to be humbled for the bigger and larger picture.

I hope I have given you something to think about in your own journey. I battle with my thoughts on a daily basis,  I fight the lies and deceptions from years of experience and environmental influence. I know that my art work is off limits and I will have to fight to the end to avoid disrespecting my work. I would never hurt my children then my art work should be sacred as well. 

(If you are suffering from depression then read my articles on depression) Clinical Depression Depression Denial Treatment Depression Facts & Statistics How to Deal with Depression

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