Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Calm Down to Create
Ok I admit it!
I stuck a broom handle through 3 pieces of my art work over the weekend. I do not know why I let my neurotic-ism get to me. It was like watching a movie. I had full awareness I was doing it and yet I still put a hole through my artwork. I get all wired up and I am so passionate about my paintings, and I found it so easy to destroy them. Looking back I was in a trance punishing myself. Punishing myself for feeling so inadequate and for having low self-esteem. I was torturing myself with the belief that I was not good enough to create beautiful works of art.
I started to believe my own lies and deceptive thoughts. In my self-realization I started to get angry at myself. I want to say my soul was teaching me a lesson by allowing me to destroy my artwork, to show me how I would feel without the beauty I created. It was depressing. As life can be taken away so can our gifts and talents. Our sight, our capacity to create, our abilities and gifts that are a treasure to us from our creator. If I mistreat my gift I could lose it just like that.
I was aware that I was destroying my works but it was like I was on autopilot and did not have control. But in reality I could have controlled it. There was a point in my rant that I had clarity. I had enough clarity to stop myself and have some common sense. At that moment of clarity I felt sorry for myself and felt like I was long gone and no return. I was a piece of shit and did not deserve my works any longer. The moment I destroyed my works I woke up and realized the damage that I have caused. I had ended a life. I have disrespected my works that were created for someone. I have silenced my inner creative voice.
I learned immediately that I should have stopped myself. I should have humbled myself that moment to appreciate that I have been given a gift to create and I am able to create where-as there are so many other people in this world that wish they could have the courage to express themselves. I need to calm down and see…. See the beauty of all of our gifts.
I love myself, I love my gifts. I appreciate who I am and always think of my works as an extension of my soul. I know we all have a voice. Sometimes we have it in us to learn from experiences. Our soul needs to be allowed to teach us lessons that will make us a better person. To allow us to be humbled for the bigger and larger picture.
I hope I have given you something to think about in your own journey. I battle with my thoughts on a daily basis, I fight the lies and deceptions from years of experience and environmental influence. I know that my art work is off limits and I will have to fight to the end to avoid disrespecting my work. I would never hurt my children then my art work should be sacred as well.