I'm Happy. It does not mean I am perfect. I am thankful for everything I have in my life. I have my family intact and I have not lost anyone recently. I enjoy every moment with my family. I struggle internally with a myriad of thoughts and perceptions. I have tried my whole life to love unconditionally and yet I seem to overwhelm myself with expectations I put on myself. In the past I have blamed myself for all the challenges that have changed the direction and path I was on. Now I know it is under my control. The mystery is how do we steer ourselves into the situation we desire most? That is the challenge. I never cared about material objects or money. I have always focused on the spiritual and love side of things. I do not do well with controlling personalities. I have allowed my past to dictate my perceptions of the word control and what level is deemed controlling. Those lines are blurred in my mind and I do not have a clear idea what is too much and what is toxic. I have hurt people that I have shared a relationship with(friends, family and etc..). I can only reflect on the lessons learned and not the loss. I can only appreciate the experience I had and not mourn the mistakes and hurt I have caused. I can only love and hope and pray the people I shared special moments and experiences with will continue to be happy and experience an abundant and joyous life. Go forward is all I can do. I often reflect on the pain as a strengthening of character I can hold on to and overcome my fears. I recently reflected on all my pain, loss and hurt in my life. I wrote it all down and highlighted in an effort to organize and put it all into perspective. A wonderful person once told me , "We are all in each others life for a moment to serve a purpose for one another. Sometimes the moment is long and sometimes the moment is short. God allows interactions and doesn't allow for a purpose." I pray that I do not burn in hell and rot in dogshit and be unhappy the rest of my life, live in the bowels of animal feces, experience pain and unhappiness the rest of my life....all of this has been wished upon me by people I have caused unhappiness to. So many more comments that I cannot describe for they were said in anger and disgust for having the bad experiencing of knowing me. I can only hope that forgiveness is in their hearts but to be honest I cannot control what others think. I cannot dwell on their opinion of me and my mistakes. I can only not give a shit for their negative thoughts of me and move on. I am a better person today than I was yesterday. I do mourn for the hurt I have caused but I have also been hurt in a time. I have forgiven all. I love all. Maybe there is one percent I have not resolved. I can live with that. If there is a purpose for this rant of mine is this......
Live your life free of sadness, guilt, fear and negativity. Be empowered every day and love one another. I only write my rants out of love for everyone. I cry every night as a way of releasing the bullshit people and the world try and put on me. I cleanse myself nightly of all the bad Karma I might have put on myself in the past and probably as recent as today. I cleanse myself by helping someone and loving everyone. If you hate me then I love you. If you want to cause pain to me and my family and friends I love you. If you cannot forgive me and continue to hurt me...I love you. I will not reduce myself to lower myself to say "fuck you" I will only love you. In my heart I will love you...externally I might blurt out a hypocritical statement like....all the bad words in the world and direct them at that person or situation...But I am human. We cannot allow ourselves to point at one another with the hand that always has 3 fingers pointing back at ourselves. We cannot portray ourselves as perfect when in the mirror we look at ourselves and know that the realization is that we suck. Quit your bitching and moaning, get on with your life and be happy for a change. Truly be happy inside out....not just a smile for everyone to see the side show called YOU.
I love all of you and especially YOU.
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